Old Writings

This is just something I wrote almost two years ago, I think. It's relatively old, but I think it still has a valid message


Just when I thought I was safe, it turns out, I was far from it. Safety depends on who you trust, whether they trust you, and how much trust there is between the two of you. But years of experience taught me the worst enemy is inside yourself, taking you apart piece by piece without you ever noticing. Safety was relative, dependent on external factors you can’t control but in order to be able to weather the external factors, you have to defeat the enemy inside. Internal enemies can lie dormant for years, waiting for just the right moment to make an attack. The attacks themselves are small things, usually minor, nothing that would put you over the edge, but at the right time, they’re just the icing on the cake. A big frosted cake with the kind of frosting that‘s so sweet you can only take three bites before feeling slightly ill.


As solid and together as I appeared to be on the outside, I was just as destroyed and broken apart on the inside. Where my heart used to be was now a void that had destroyed every worthwhile emotion. It was almost like lighting a match dropping it in a glass bottle and covering the tip. The flame dies and smoke fills the bottle, only a little at first, but it grows until you can’t see through the bottle because there’s too much smoke. In order to get the smoke out of the bottle you have to uncover the top and fill the bottle with oxygen, it’s the same concept to get rid of the enemy inside. You have to let it consume you, then once the feelings have settled, unlock yourself and let love, acceptance, confidence, and trust slowly replace the roiling emotions inside. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not painless, well, who said being safe meant being impervious to pain? It’s the pain that allows this process to be possible. And without it, I’d probably be six feet under, everything being my fault. And that’s the dangerous truth.